hyperactive exhaustion

i guess that is otherwise known as the post-caffeine jitters. i think i was a little too... honest with my parents tonight. when i'm caffeinated, i can't make myself shut up. so i told them all about the alcoholic beverages i have tasted (which i thought they knew about, but apparently they didn't), and i freaked them out by saying, "i'm the kind of person who has to try everything, just to say i did it." STUPID STUPID STUPID! let me clarify: i will not try drugs, or promiscuity. i meant that statement mostly in reference to alcohol (as in, i will taste different kinds). i don't want to get drunk, i am a control freak so that idea has no appeal to me. but my parents were sufficiently freaked out. i wouldn't be surprised if my mom starts wanting me to live at home thru college now! i finally got it thru to them that i won't be coming home from college a druggie, wasted, or pregnant. it was rather amusing. oh, the stupid things i say when i let my mouth run. i feel kinda guilty about it now. not the fact that i've tried drinks, but that i freaked my parents out for no reason. i need to go to bed. i babysat a toddler for nine hours today, so i'm completely wiped out. typing relaxes me, so i will sleep soundly tonight, despite the 3 cokes i drank today. i hadn't had coke in almost a year!

i ran over a rabbit.



and i cried for the first time in 4 months.

its a state the obvious contest!

i am truly okay people! so stop worrying about me, do you hear me?! i will not hurt myself, i will not fall apart in front of you and make you pick me up, i just needed you to listen, which you did and i am very thankful for that. as soon as school starts again i will be fine (except then the self esteem issues will be back and worse than ever) but i can handle that!


i'm fine.

thought for the day

here it comes (prepare to be blown away!): it is difficult to be thoughtful when you are in the kitchen and sarah is washing dishes (and banging away at it enthusiastically), and steph is listening to beverly cleary's "Ramona" books on tape.



i am the comfortable, secure definition of this western world
i have perfected deceit: even i believe i'm above saving
and i'll never let you see
i am the broken
i am the bruised
i am the poor ones
i have been used
it takes me falling to the ground to admit to fully needing you
then when i'm breathing my last breath
come and save me, i will cry to you
cause pride has not let me say
i am the broken
i am the bruised
i am the poor ones
i have been used
why does it take so much to bring me to my knees?
why does it takes so much pain for me to see?
if strength is only found when i am on my knees
why is it so hard to show that i am weak?
(barlowgirl "song for the broken")

back to normal (as normal as natalie can be)

i'm sorry for the incredibly emotional post last week. i'm fine now. i feel kind of stale, like i've blogged myself out. i think i'll leave it up tho. i just won't be blogging amusing anecdotes anymore. i can't promise anything. i'm just really tired.


High School
cuz high school could be a mini-me of the rest of society
there's always a prom queen, there'll always be sororities
and sadly, some will be eternally keeping score with popularity
and just cuz they all do doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school
high school is like a big competition; beauty contests, prom court is the mission
there can only be one queen, one king; everyone voting, everyone competing
but these are the rules, the ways of high school
when someone puts you down (thats so high school)
someone talks behind your back (thats so high school)
thinking you have to get them back (thats also high school)
i know i'll be GRADUATING EARLY!
high school is like the state of the nation: some people never change after graduation
believing any light you shine makes there's lesser, they have to prove to everyone that
their's is better
when someone puts you down (thats so high school)
believing they're too good for you (thats so high school)
when you believe it too (thats also high school)
i know i'll be GRADUATING EARLY!
we've all got bad yearbook photos which we forgot to let go
and just like acne our insecurities should be something we left with the JV
so here's to letting go of yearbook photos
the things we kept that hold us down
so that was yesterday, there's always tomorrow
we are tomorrow we are tomorrow
i know i'll be GRADUATING EARLY!
cuz high school could be the mini-me of the rest of society
there's always a prom queen, there'll always be celebrities
and sadly, some will be eternally keeping score with popularity
and just cuz we all do, doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school
(superchic(k) "high school")


this song pretty much sums up my feelings at the moment.

late night depression

why do i feel like crying when i have absolutely nothing to cry about?
why can't i just let go? thats it isn't it? i can't let go. not of friends, not of family, not of dreams, not of my stupid ambitions. not my prejudices, my anger, my discontent, my malicious tendencies. and not my life. OOH, NO especially not my life! the most insignificant thing in the world, and i can't just give it up? why is that so hard? i would rather go without food (and thats saying something) than give up something that in the end will eat away at my soul.
wow this is pathetic.






excuse me while i water my pillow.