heartburn or heartache?

don't you hate it when you're not sure if what you're feeling is emotional pain or physical pain?

also, i wish they would raise the voting age. because i honestly don't give a crap.

it's been a while, cyberland

so, yes, it has been a long time since i posted on this thing. and the last few posts were during a rather depressing period in my life (although january and february are kind of depressing for everyone), but just so you all know (i realize that you were waiting with bated breath) i'm an extremely happy and busy individual now!
so, i'm in a psychology class, and we have to read this book called mans search for meaning. its really good, and it is encouraging me to do some self-evaluation that i wouldn't do otherwise. so, college is already making me a better person!

ways that i have improved since going to college:
1. i am now completely converted to coffee. espresso is my friend!!
2. i'm cleaner then i used to be, due to room checks once a week.
3. i savor quiet time more. i enjoy being social, but i'm not afraid to be alone.
4. i have been reading my bible every night before i go to bed. this is a SIGNIFICANT improvement, due to the fact that i hadn't read my bible voluntarily in about 6 months. yes, i am a recovering heathen. :)
5. i have grown somewhat more comfortable with myself. but that is definitely a work in progress.
6. i am somewhat more organized!
7.i made my bed this morning.
8. i am still staying connected with friends and family, but i am also fairly independent. both of those are good when balanced.
9. i have been making sure that i look presentable most of the time. at first it was jeans and a tshirt with my hair in a crap ball every day, but now i actually do something with my hair, i put together outfits, and i paint my nails! i don't know how significant that improvement is, but i feel better because of it.
and last but not least....
10. I AM UNDERSTANDING MATH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!!!!

so, as i sit in my little dorm room, avoiding finishing my reading for the night, i thought i would update this. i will probably update it again sometime next year, but who cares?

love to all who read this poor pathetic little blog (i should name it. what should its name be?), and good night.

Song Quotes I Like

"Don't Wish. Don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart."
-Wicked


"Oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before. They take over the sweeping insensitivity of this still life."
-Imogen Heap

"and though life will take you down, it only matters if you let it."

all things work together?

so, right now i am thinking about how God works all things together for good. and i'm beginning to wonder if that is really possible. not that God isn't omnitient and omnipotent and all those other omni's, but does he really care enough about the little things that go wrong to make sure they come out good? and what about five year olds who die of cancer? i'm sure her parents are seeing the good in that situation. just getting a little pissed at well meaning people who spout triteness like its their job.okay, that was harsh. but i'm still frustrated.

adjectives, anyone?

i am at the moment listening to muse and contemplating what geniuses they are. there are some songs that i just love because of the guitar in them. supermassive black hole and crazy train are the first that come to mind. such good songs!
i had a fantastic christmas! i got a camera which is awesome, and a nice jewelry box. overall it has been pretty much awesome. i'm feeling fairly cheerful at the moment, having watched the partridge family all morning. such a fun show. i realize that i haven't blogged in a long time. i honestly haven't had any time, with basketball and school and everything. senior year rocks!
okay, this blog has way too many adjectives.

life is oh-so-bright-and-fluffy (in other words, i'm in high school)

so, my life has been rather hectic of late. what with volleyball and basketball and school and homecoming and football games and church and family and friend time, i'm pretty busy! right now i am getting a little ahead in homework, doing a book report. i don't really have much i want to say, nothing has happened lately that was really blog-worthy. i'm trying to keep myself so busy that i can hold the illusion of joy and happiness and all those other things i'm supposed to be feeling intact. when i think too much i make myself fall apart. i feel like i'm nothing but a vague reflection. a mirror made of glass that could shatter at any moment. but i hope i'm stronger than that. maybe i'm made of steel. okay, enough with the really weird symbolism. i have been reading brit lit too long!
just wanted to let the people who read this know that i'm still alive.
it just gets worse and worse, doesn't it?

hyperactive exhaustion

i guess that is otherwise known as the post-caffeine jitters. i think i was a little too... honest with my parents tonight. when i'm caffeinated, i can't make myself shut up. so i told them all about the alcoholic beverages i have tasted (which i thought they knew about, but apparently they didn't), and i freaked them out by saying, "i'm the kind of person who has to try everything, just to say i did it." STUPID STUPID STUPID! let me clarify: i will not try drugs, or promiscuity. i meant that statement mostly in reference to alcohol (as in, i will taste different kinds). i don't want to get drunk, i am a control freak so that idea has no appeal to me. but my parents were sufficiently freaked out. i wouldn't be surprised if my mom starts wanting me to live at home thru college now! i finally got it thru to them that i won't be coming home from college a druggie, wasted, or pregnant. it was rather amusing. oh, the stupid things i say when i let my mouth run. i feel kinda guilty about it now. not the fact that i've tried drinks, but that i freaked my parents out for no reason. i need to go to bed. i babysat a toddler for nine hours today, so i'm completely wiped out. typing relaxes me, so i will sleep soundly tonight, despite the 3 cokes i drank today. i hadn't had coke in almost a year!